You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was not drunk enough for that final.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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