I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
