I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
