god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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