I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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