lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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