I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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