White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
