I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
