just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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