It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize