i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
organizing the empties. That sober.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize