At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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