New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
