I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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