How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
