i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
