i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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