I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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