I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
