Do you still have your period?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
