I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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