I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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