Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
