Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
