We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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