You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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