thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
