I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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