I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
