Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
