no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
