I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my poor anus
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
