So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I need mimosas to revive my soul
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
