I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
