I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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