Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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