It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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