Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
