So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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