he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
