I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's never too late to be topless.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
