Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
