my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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