I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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