My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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