Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
