Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
