Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish I only lived at night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
