He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
