Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
