so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
