There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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