Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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