everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
