So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
