I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
