So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
