after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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