Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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