I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
