You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
