That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
