theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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